Want to feel happier? Paul Bloom has some tips on what to avoid, and it's not what you think
Psychologist Paul Bloom can’t be the only person in the world who wonders why sane people choose to practice marathons.
Why volunteer for cramps, dehydration, and bleeding toes?
While we’re at it, why choose to watch a scary movie or take on a big project that you know will stress you out?
“Chosen suffering” is a complicated human flea, Professor Bloom tells ABC RN’s Big Idea.
In this “hedonistic era,” we all want to have fun, he says.
“But that’s not all we want.”
For centuries, religions such as Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism and Islam, and the philosophers of the Enlightenment, have debated the value of suffering.
Professor Bloom argues that suffering can give us things we may not know we need – and even lead to satisfaction.
Scratching an itch vs having kids
Professor Bloom describes two different types of happiness.
One is simple and at the moment. He offers several examples: “It’s a very hot day and you drink a very cold glass of water; you scratch the itchy spot; sexual pleasure; food pleasure; fun with the people you love.”
Others he describes as “a deeper and broader idea of happiness”. That’s where you’ll find morality, purpose, and meaning.
Take it children. They often bring with them sleep disturbances, and financial and relationship strain. “So why do people say they like having kids?” he wondered.
“Why do people look back and say, ‘I’ve had kids and I don’t regret it’?”
Usually, parents will say having a child is meaningful, that “it gives my life purpose, it feels like it matters”, says Professor Bloom, also author of The Sweet Spot: the Pleasures of Suffering and the Search for Meaning.
It should be noted the tension between the two kinds of happiness.
“In these two different kinds of happiness, you see these different ideas about the good life at war with each other,” Professor Bloom said.
But he says that a fulfilled life requires harmony between the two.
“The project each of us has is finding the right balance.” And what it looks like “will be different for everyone”.
He argues that for everyone, focusing on fun while avoiding the hard stuff — like stressful tasks, sleepless nights, bloody toes — isn’t the way to be content.
“Seeking happiness – trying to be happy – in an interesting, self-defeating way,” he says.
“There’s a strong relationship between people who say, ‘I spend a lot of my time trying to be happy’ … and people who aren’t happy.”
Paradoxically, he says the best way to be happy is not to try to be, but to seek other goals or activities.
The joy of losing oneself in difficult circumstances
Activities to bring you happiness may not be what you first think of. Throw away the thought of a massage for a moment and do something more challenging – it’s more likely to get you “flowing”.
It’s something you’ve probably experienced if you’ve ever been so involved in a strenuous activity that you forgot to pick up school, went hours without eating, or didn’t realize the time had passed..
The term “flow state” was coined by Hungarian-American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to describe being immersed in something difficult or full of effort that is truly satisfying.
Csikszentmihalyi’s examples are often physical, such as rock climbing, or creative – musicians, writers, or poets practice their craft.
Rock climbers or musicians can “lose themselves … and time goes by”, says Professor Bloom.
The feeling is not the same as simple physical pleasure. Csikszentmihalyi says flow lies between boredom and anxiety: if something is too easy, you will get bored. If it’s too difficult, you’ll be anxious.
“The plot is hard. You’re working on it,” said Professor Bloom.
“But something about how our minds are connected in such a way that the right amount of effort and struggle really intrigues us. And it’s hard to get there. Some people go through their whole life without any flow. But when you’re there somehow amazing way.”
If any of this makes the prospect of achieving satisfaction seem difficult, or if it makes you feel, well, a little tired, don’t be discouraged.
In not quite achieving something we want, we are driven by an unseen driving force.
Professor Bloom says it’s human nature to always look for something better. By still never being “too happy”, we are constantly striving towards more happiness.
And that is a positive boost, he said.
If we’re satisfied, what’s the point of that? What’s the point of standing [still]?”
The conversation with Paul Bloom, hosted by Matthew Taylor, was originally recorded by the RSA podcast Bridges to the Future and broadcast on ABC RN’s Big Idea.
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