Bluey highlights being childless is not by choice. This is what women tell me about life with no accidental children
In Bluey’s latest episode, Onesies, six-year-old Bluey asks his mother, Chilli, what’s wrong with Aunt Brandy, who comes to visit for the first time in four years.
“Is he sad?” Blue asked. “And why do we only see it once in our lives?”
This is indicated by the impressions of Brandy who has not been able to have children.
“Sorry it took so long,” Brandy then said to her sister. “It’s hard to see all of you, you know?”
“I know,” Chilli replied, taking her sister’s hand.
This is another example of the hit program’s gentle and insightful exploration of a complex issue, which sparked a flood of positive responses from viewers. As one person commented on the event’s Facebook page, “thank you Bluey, for showing infertility and childlessness not because of the community of choice”.
Nearly one in six couples have experienced infertility. Those who have never known someone – family members, colleagues or friends – who have known them.
Highlighting these experiences can help many who experience them to feel less alone and reduce the shame and stigma that sadly so often comes with infertility diagnoses.
Much media coverage tends to focus solely on IVF. But Bluey highlights another important aspect of infertility: the emotional and social impact of inadvertent childlessness extends well beyond the period of active attempts to conceive.
Read more: ‘The idealized Australian ethos’: why Bluey is a crowd favorite, even for childless adults
‘Apology and failure’
As part of my research into the experience of infertility, I have interviewed an older generation of women living with involuntary children. For these women, now in their 60s and 70s, their experiences of being invisible in the public discussion of infertility have a lasting impact on their mental health and sense of community inclusion.
Some of the women who shared their stories had multiple miscarriages; some never find the reason for their infertility; some end up having children, while others don’t.
For those women who are unable to have children, the impact of infertility on their identity and relationships is enduring, echoing through their lives for the months or years they spend trying to have a baby.
Heather* and her husband are in their 60s. At 36, after trying to conceive for three years, Heather miscarried at eight weeks. They then went through eight cycles of IVF without getting pregnant, and finally decided to stop treatment.
Her miscarriage, which happened after she saw her baby’s heartbeat and had bad morning sickness, was very traumatic for Heather. Her pregnancy remains special and meaningful to her.
Nearly 30 years later, there is a situation he still avoids because of the emotions it triggers. Since retiring he has become active at Third Age University but avoids some classes due to constant conversation about grandchildren:
And then they ask me about my children and grandchildren and I have to tell them no, we don’t have any. And it’s almost like an apology […] apologies and failures.
For Mary*, in her 70s at the time of our interview, getting older means reliving the trauma of friends’ children’s birthday parties.
She remembers in her 30s having to leave parties because it was “too hard,” and that feeling returns when her friends are stuck being grandparents. He mused, “I lost my friends again.”
Renee*, 59 at the time of our interview, told me she no longer has anyone asking her if she has children. “Now, it’s a grandson,” he said.
The continuing impact of not having children is also felt in the family.
Greta* is 54 years old, and has no children while her sister does. Her mother has moved between states to live with her other daughter and granddaughter in her final months.
I’m so happy, now, that he’s had time with them, but at the time, it was pretty heartbreaking.
She reflects how many childless people lose connection to multi-generational families. “That’s the long-term impact. Later when I am old, who cares?”, he said.
Rich and full life
Despite their ongoing grief, the women I spoke to who were unable to have children emphasized that their lives were rich and full. These include a successful international career, further study and career changes, running one’s own business, being a stepparent and step-grandfather.
But people who don’t have children by choice, continue to live with this reality long after years of trying to conceive.
We all need to hear stories that reflect our own life experiences, to feel seen, to feel owned. Bringing a more inclusive approach and a longer perspective to public discussions of infertility helps to undo the isolation and invisibility that older women often feel who do not have children by choice.
It may be ironic, and a little bittersweet, that it takes children’s programs to remind us of this.
*Name has been changed.
Read more: Half of women over 35 who want children don’t end up having them, or have less than they planned
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